One of the key principles of parallel parenting is that instead of having unspoken rules, the co-parents put in place explicit and clear rules to manage their relationship. For whatever reason, the old patterns of behaviour did not work for the family and helping co-parents create new patterns of behaviour is a critical part of setting up effective parallel parenting.
Rules may include:
- How will the co-parents communicate with each other – down to the basics of mode (e.g. email / whatsapp / call), frequency (e.g. once a week unless emergency) and wording (e.g. use a heading / neutral wording)?
- How will the co-parents communicate with the children when they are not the caretaking parent?
- How will concerns about children be raised with the other parent?
- What boundaries do the parents need in place? Around their homes? Extended families? Workplaces?
- How will the parents manage the children’s special events? E.g. school performance? Birthday parties?
- What do the parents agree about the children meeting new partners? How will this happen? What sort of role will the new partner have in the children’s life?
The list goes on. Each family needs to consider their circumstances and what rules are needed for them. For some families, the flashpoint for conflict is communication (e.g. texts), for other families the flashpoint will be attendance at school events. A family mediator will work with the parents to tailor rules which work for their family circumstances.
It can seem very strange and awkward to put in place ground rules when people have been in relationship for a long time, however, moving forward requires parents to change to new patterns for interacting which can form the basis for parallel co-parenting. Research would indicate that a third of separated parents can work co-operatively and that a third remain conflicted. For the other third of parents, parallel can provide a space for mutual respect and appropriate behavior.
Respect is a key principle for parallel parenting. Whilst parents may have different approaches or different rules, a key component of parallel parenting is that one parent does not undermine the other parent. For example, if Parent A believes bed-time winding down begins with a story and Parent B believes that it should start with a bath, neither parent should criticize the other.
Each parent is responsible for doing the best they can with the children when they are in their care. It is not unusual for parents to agree some common rules for younger children (e.g. bedtime) and for older children (e.g. electronic usage). This can assist each parent to present to the children as a co-parental team. However, there will also be differences between each parent’s home rules. This is the essence of the work by Isolina Ricci (Mom’s House Dad’s House).
Next post, putting it all together and using parallel parenting as means of moving forward.